


All Along It Was a Fever

by EscapingReality51



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Hurt, M/M, Missing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 23:38:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12922659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingReality51/pseuds/EscapingReality51
Summary: 5 times Aaron misses Robert and one time he doesn't have to.





	All Along It Was a Fever

i.

He can’t stop crying.

His tears are streaming own his face and the sleeves of his jumper are wet with wiping them away but it doesn’t stop. The hole in his chest draws out more, the throbbing pain in his heart a constant reminder and it hurts.

The Mill is so quiet now - Liv is still away and all Aaron can do and sit in the silence. It is deafening. Each tick of the clock on the wall like a blaring of sound, making the silence more obvious, more engulfing. A reminder of what isn’t there. Robert’s presence used to be everything, a big, loud, arrogant presence that made Aaron so happy. His laughter resounding through the flat, his small snores as he slept. It was everywhere and now it’s gone.

Aaron wipes away his tears again, leans his head against the kitchen drawer and takes a deep breath.

Alone. He chose it, he made it, but the throbbing doesn’t lessen for that fact, doesn’t hurt and make him ache less because he knows it’s right. He needs to stay away, he needs to take care of himself but maybe that’s what hurts more than anything.

He gets up, finds a beer in the fridge and drinks it. The living room is quiet and so he switches on the telly, finds something to have droning on in the background, any noise to fill the silence. The absence. He turns on the radio until that is blaring some music he doesn’t recognise but which is filled with heavy drums and loud guitars and never seems to quiet down. No one complains because there is no one to complain. No one is living in the other flat, no one is there to contest.

Aaron stands in the living room, noises blaring at him and with his feet planted firmly on the ground and the music filling his ears. The tears stop falling.

 

ii.

Aaron is woken up by rain hammering against the window, wind turning the water into tiny pellets that amplify the sound and drag him from his slumber. Autumn has arrived.

He shifts and turns under the duvet, presses his nose into the pillow and stretches. His dream spills over into real life, he wants to sink back into it and his hand instinctively goes to the other side of the bed, seeking warmth and something long lost. When his hand finds the patch empty, cold, void of _someone_ he wakes up, realisation hitting him.

Robert.

The smell of him lingered on their bedding for a while, soft and musky and too good for comfort so Aaron washed them but even the washing powder reminded him of Robert, standing in the shops and taking the poncy packet from the shelf, explaining how it would make all the difference. Aaron bought new washing powder and the smell has slowly disappeared, leaving behind a dull longing whenever Aaron put his head to the pillow.

His heart aches for the warmth Robert used to exude in sleep, the small snores and heavy breathing a constant reminder of the fact that he was there, they were together. Aaron had him and could turn over and see him sleeping softly against his pillow, golden hair messy and breath foul. He has put Robert’s duvet away, stuffed it into the back of the cupboard and claimed his pillow as his own. He still sleeps on one side though.

His hand traces over the empty spot, running over the soft sheet and desperately willing his brain to forget about the body that used to lie there, the hand he used to find and hold in the morning, the warmth he would wrap his arms around and hold tighter. With a deep breath he pulls back, lies on his back, and tries to quell the longing in his chest.

 

iii.

“You really can’t cook to save your life,” Liv says. Her fork scratches across the plate as she pushes the food around and the sounds rings in Aaron’s ears, making him wince.

“I tried alright,” Aaron says.

Liv scoffs. “Looks like you just threw everything together and waited until it burned.”

“Oi,” he says, pointing his fork at her. “I tried, alright? I’ll go buy us some pizzas so stop complaining.”

She does, but the sour look on her face tells him it’s a fight to keep her mouth shut.

He gets up and clears the table, chucking the food in the bin and dumping the plates in the dishwasher with more force than strictly necessary. He hates not being able to cook for her, not knowing how to throw a simple sauce together without messing it up just because he used to have someone to help him, cook for him. Cook for the family. He hates the sadness in her eyes because she knows he is hurting. It’s less, now but it’s there and moments like this only make it flare, harder to ignore and it makes Aaron so angry.

When the pizzas are picked up he brings one up to Liv, knocks on her door.

“I’m sorry.” She looks up at him, holds her hands out and takes the box out of his hands. “I shouldn’t have snapped I just missed -”

“I know,” Aaron says, not wanting to hear it, not right now. “I’ll be downstairs if you want to join me.”

He sits on the sofa and opens his box, eyes on an episode of Top Gear as he chews. This used to be their thing; pizza, the sofa, Top Gear and a smile on Robert’s face. It’s still a good episode, and Aaron still loves pizza on the sofa but it’s different now, it’s less in a way that dampens his enjoyment. Still he watches, eats his pizza, takes what enjoyment from it he can. The dull ache of missing Robert has lessened and sometimes he doesn’t mind it as much because at least it reminds him of what they had, of being happy.

He hears shuffling down the stairs and looks over his shoulder to see Liv walking towards him, box in hand.

“Still want company?” she asks, eyes red and hair messy.

“‘Course,” he says. “Come here.”

The cushion dips as she sits down next to him, bringing her legs up and resting her pizza on her knees. She smiles at him, small and sad and smiles back. They have each other and the ache in his chest is doused.

 

iv.

Aaron bites down on his lip and rests his head on the headboard, fighting the thoughts running through his mind.

He has one hand wrapped around himself, tugging and moving slowly, building to relieve whatever has had him tense all day. He’s hard and it feels good but his brain keeps going back, reminding him of memories best forgotten. Lips on his skin and fingers digging into him, making him moan. His mind is betraying him and he knows he should stop, doesn’t want to think about it because it’s Robert and it’s so long since they touched it makes his fingertips ache.

He tries to shake it off, he really does but the pleasure is building and it’s so tempting to just give in, remember what it felt like with Robert’s hand wrapped around him, working him just right and drawing it out, making him plead for it. Robert on his skin, kissing along his neck and biting at the soft skin behind his ear; Robert using his mouth to make him hard, licking along the shaft and sucking lightly at the tip in that way that he knew made Aaron whimper; Robert digging his hands into his thigh, holding him as Aaron tipped his head back and tries to stifle his moans.

He’s lost in it now, desperate to feel it again and know that Robert was his. His hand is working faster and it’s the best he’s got right now so he allows himself to do it, to sink into the memories of Robert around him, working him and what it felt like to release into Robert’s mouth, have Robert swallow it all and it’s too much - he comes with a grunt, painting his chest with it and biting his lip until pain shoots through him.

A deep breath and then another while his body calms, his mind racing.

He shouldn’t have, he knows it and shame shoots through him. Shame at wanting someone he shouldn’t, at thinking about Robert that way when he knows it can’t end well. It can’t but maybe dreaming about it is better than doing something about it.

In the bathroom he steps into the shower with a smile on his face because even though he shouldn’t have, that felt fucking good.

 

v.

“Vic’s working ‘till late, fancy a pint later?”

Adam smiling at Aaron over his coffee and Aaron finds himself smiling back.

“Yeah, sounds good. Then I can trash you at darts again.”

“Mate,” Adam says, drawing out the vowels and leaning back in his chair, “we’ll see yeah?”

Aaron’s got his hand around his cup of coffee that Bob has just given him with his usual smile and flair. The cup is warm and Aaron takes a deep breath, the smell of coffee filling his nose. It’s off though - not as earthy and sweet as he is used to. He takes a sip anyway and it tastes wrong as well.

“How’s it going with Alex?” he asks. Aaron shrugs, doesn’t know how to reply because he doesn’t know the answer.

“Alright, I ‘spose.” The steam from his coffee rises slowly in front of him, and he follows it with his gaze, willing his mind blank. “When’ve you got that pick up in Leeds?” he asks and Adam shrugs.

“Need to leave in 30,” he replies. Aaron takes another sip. “You alright mate?” Aaron shoots him a look of confusion and Adam laughs. “Looks like you’ve just smelled something off.”

“Nah, it’s nothing…” His voice trails off as the door to the café opens and Robert walks in. His eyes can’t help but follow him for a second too long before he meets Adam’s eye again. “Just different to what I’m used to is all.”

Adam notices because for some reason with Aaron, he always notices.

“I bet it is, mate.” His mouth is smiling but his eyes are serious. “A lot different.”

“Hiya,” Robert says, standing next to his chair with his hands in his pockets, all thigh and broad chest. “Interrupting something, am I?”

Adam looks at Aaron and waits for an answers.

“Not at all, I was just leaving.” Aaron gets up and he is standing too close for comfort so he looks away. “See you at the yard, yeah?” he asks Adam, and leaves the café before waiting for a reply.

His mouth still tastes of too bitter coffee as he makes his way towards the yard, breath heavy and mind heavier. It’s heavy in his heart and heavy in his chest and he wants to forget the smell of the expensive coffee Robert used to buy or the feel of his lips against Aaron’s, he doesn’t want to miss them the way he does.

 

+1

He is tired, so tired that each step towards the Mill is arduous, a feat in and of its own. His hands are stuffed in his pocket and his head is so full of orders and contracts and scrap it feels heavy, weighed down by tomorrow before tomorrow has even begun.

Gravel crunches under his feet as he walks down the driveway in front of the Mill and he smiles slightly when he sees that the lights are on. They aren’t usually at this time of day. The door is unlocked when he reaches it, another anomaly. The smell that floods his senses when the door opens is definitely not normal.

“Liv?”

He hears the distinct sound of the extractor hood in the kitchen and Aaron takes off his coat before walking towards the kitchen. Robert is there, wearing an apron and a smile on his face.

“Hiya,” he says. He looks nervous. “Liv let me in, I hope that’s alright.”

“Yeah…” Aaron replies, looking at the chicken in the oven and the pots on the stove. “What are you?”

“I know this is new between us,” Robert says and points between them, “but I wanted to do something nice for you. I hope that’s alright.”

“‘Course, I just didn’t think -” Aaron starts but the faltering of Robert’s smile makes him stop. “This is amazing, Robert.”

“Really?” His face lights up as he says it.

Aaron can’t resist walking up to him and wrapping his arms around him. “Really.”

Robert grins at him and leans in for a kiss. It’s soft, lingering, filled with sweetness and happiness and it makes Aaron’s chest expand.

“I’ve made us a roast,” Robert says when they break apart.

“Smells amazing,” Aaron mumbles before he pulls him in again, fitting their lips together. “I missed you.”

Robert smiles, presses his forehead to Aaron’s and hums contentedly. “Missed you too.”

Aaron keeps him arms wrapped around him a while longer, smelling him, breathing him in, feeling the thrum of his heartbeat against his fingers, in his chest.

“This is good,” Aaron says into Robert’s shoulder.

“It is.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> title from Stay by Rihanna and Mickey Echo. I wrote this today and it has not been edited so be nice *hides*
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated :) find me on tumblr @escapingreality51


End file.
